Voldemort goes to Hogwarts
by Red The Animator
Summary: When someone accidentally sends Voldemort a letter inviting him to Hogwarts, he can't resist the opportunity to get closer to Harry. He didn't plan though for all the crazy things that would be happening that year.
1. The Letter and the Night Bus

Voldemort Goes to Hogwarts

By Amy and Robert Daw

Chapter One

The Letter and the Night Bus

Voldemort was reading a letter, a sour look on his face. The letter was an invitation to come learn at Hogwarts. It included a list of school supplies and books he needed. Someone had made a huge mistake. If he was in charge, which he reminded himself he soon would be, he would kill the idiot who sent this letter. Then again maybe it was the owl that delivered the letter that made the mistake, but it was addressed to his house, under the wrong name whoever Martin Riddlen was, but still his house. Maybe Martin once lived here.

Then another thought crossed his evil lumpy brain. Harry Potter would be attending Hogwarts this year. If some how he could disguise himself he could attend Hogwarts and kill the boy. New thoughts entered his mind, plots and plans began to form. Soon Voldemort had packed up all his stuff, including his pet snake Nagini (or Nagi, as he liked to call her).

After a few modifications to his appearance, so as not to scare people, he waved good-bye to his servant Wormtail, and stepped out into the street. He was now only four feet tall, he was wearing a wavy blonde wig, make-up (to make his face look less... weird), and a plastic nose.

He waved his hand in the air and the night bus instantly appeared. Stan Shunpike opened the door, but he did it too fast and hit Voldemort in the head, making him fall face first in the mud.

"Woss choo doin' on the ground li'le kid?" asked Stan.

"Why you little muggle kissing- _CRUCIO_!"

Stan crumpled to the ground, rolling around in pain.

"Now now Voldi," said Nagini. "students don't torture bus attendants."

"Oh good point Nagi." said Voldemort.

He lifted his wand and Stan stood up.

"G-g-g-good li'le kid. W-w-why don't choo just 'op in, and I'll get your stuff."

Voldemort climbed into the bus.

"Where to?" asked Ernie the bus driver.

"Diagon Alley, and make it snappy."

"Okay, but I'll be making some other stops first."

Voldemort raised his wand to Ernie's throat, and spoke in an inhumanly voice. "_No you won't._"

"R-r-right. To Diagon Alley then." said Ernie. "Are you sure you don't need a cough drop or something? I think I saw one under my seat."

Voldemort ignored him and began to ascend the staircase to the third level. The bus took off with a BANG. Voldemort fell over the railing and down two levels, crashing on top of an old wizard who was quite upset.

"Oh go eat dung!" shouted Voldemort as he stood up to climb the stairs again.

He was one step away from the top when the bus suddenly stopped, throwing him over the railing again.

"Diagon Alley!" shouted Ernie.


	2. Malfoy Mayhem

Chapter Two

Malfoy Mayhem

Voldemort stumbled out of the bus, but not before cursing two wizards, torturing both Stan and Ernie, and calling an old witch fat. He walked into the leaky Caldron where old Tom the bartender was cleaning out a butterbeer mug.

"Oh hey! A Hogwarts student." cried Tom. "Decided to do all your shopping early?"

Voldemort gasped. In all his excitement to return to Hogwarts again, he had accidentally left three months early.

"Oh dung!" said he to himself. "How did this happen? Who was in charge of my appointments? Oh course! Bellatrix! Note to self torture her the next time I see her. Oh and also buy a snack for Nagi while in Diagon Alley."

"What are you talking about kid?" asked Tom.

"Note to self, stop thinking out loud."

Voldemort walked over to the back wall and tapped a brick with his wand. Nothing happened. He tapped another brick. Nothing happened again. He began tapping every brick, but nothing happened. He cried in a fit of rage and threw his wand at the wall. It opened.

Voldemort pulled out his school list. "I'm going to need some money." So he walked over to Gringotts.

"I would like to withdraw some money." said Voldemort in his best little kid voice he could muster.

"What is your name?" asked the goblin at the desk.

"Oh crap, he's on to me. IMPERIO."

The goblin stood up and led him to the cart.

"Now who do I want to steal from? Oh I know, Harry Potter. Anything to make his life more miserable."

The goblin drove Voldemort down to Harry's vault, where Voldemort removed half the treasure. Then with his pockets full, he set out to buy his school supplies.

"Okay. First I'm going to need a wand. I already have one of those, so the next item would be school robes."

Voldemort walked down to the robe store and a plump witch began to sew him some new robes.

"You know, I don't say this very often," said the witch. "but you are the ugliest student I've ever seen."

Voldemort reached for his wand but Nagini stopped him. "At least wait until she finishes your robes."

"Oh, good thinking."

After the witch finished his robes, Voldemort then tortured her. It made him feel good.

"Next I need, books."

Voldemort walked over to Flourish and Blotts, and spotted a very familiar student inside.

"Why must we do our shopping so early Father?" asked a very disgruntled Draco Malfoy.

"It's to avoid the annoying crowds son. Do you want to be seen in the company of those muggle hugging losers?" answered Lucius Malfoy.

Voldemort grinned. "Finally someone who is talking sense."

Draco turned to Voldemort. "Oh shut up you little-"

Voldemort raised his wand.

"Ooh, I'm so scared. A little make-up wearing kid is trying to curse me. I hope you aren't holding you wand backwards, you shrimp." said Draco sarcastically.

Lucius turned to Draco. "Now now son, save it for the Mudbloo-"

Lucius suddenly recognized Voldemort. His eyes swelled to the size of Quaffles. He garbed Draco by the ear and pulled him away. "Let's not upset the nice little dark wizar- kid."

As the Malfoys walked away, Voldemort hit Draco with a fire curse. Draco's robe erupted into flames and he ran out of the shop screaming.


	3. Platform 10 and Three Quarters

Chapter Three

Platform 10 3/4

The next three months went without incident, literally. Voldemort just sat in room, staring at the wall, only getting up to let Nagini out so that she could rove around. Eventually Voldemort got so board that he began enchanting a speck of dust until it suddenly mutated into a giant dust monster that chased him around the building, trying to eat him. He was nearly out of energy when someone cast a freezing spell on the monster. Voldemort turned around and saw that it was an older Hogwarts student who was standing next to her friends. One had red hair and the other was-

"Harry Potter!" gasped Voldemort

"There you go little kid." said Hermione.

"Harry Potter." said Voldemort again. He was having a lapse in sanity.

"Yes. I'm Harry Potter." said Harry.

"This is it," said Voldemort to himself. "at last he is unknowingly in my clutches."

"You're talking out loud again." said Nagini.

"Be quiet Nagi. Harry can hear you."

"Fine. Just kill him already."

"I will."

Harry wasn't paying attention.

"Good, then stop talking and start killing." continued Nagini

Voldemort turned to Harry. "Avada Kedavra!"

The spell went straight towards Harry, but at the last second, Neville walked in the way holding a plant and the spell hit the plant. The plant instantly died. Neville was clueless as to why.

"Angela! My beautiful South American fern weed. What's wrong with you?!"

Voldemort slapped his fore head. Luckily Harry was also oblivious.

"I'll have to be more careful next time." said Voldemort.

September 1st came quickly (considering that the last scene took place the day before). All the students were arriving at Kings Cross station. Voldemort was pushing his cart along when he suddenly spotted Harry.

"This time I'll kill him right." said Voldemort to himself, causing Mr. Wesley to stop and stare for a second.

Voldemort dived behind some unused carts, and sent another killing curse at Harry. Harry at the time was running through the barrier, so the spell went through as well. Voldemort listened but only heard the sound of Neville mourning over the sudden death of his other plant, Ashley.

"That's it!" said Voldemort to himself, as he pushed his cart toward the barrier between platforms nine and ten. But when he reached the barrier, he slammed into it and was sent flying.

"Sorry about that kid." said a wizard standing nearby. "We're having trouble with the barrier today. You'll have to go in through the one between platforms ten and eleven."

Voldemort scraped himself off the cement and put all his supplies back on the cart. "Note to self, next time I want to go through a seemingly solid wall, don't run."


	4. Sanke on a Train

Chapter Four

Snake on a Train

Voldemort sat down in an empty compartment. He fondly remembered the first time he had gone to Hogwarts. He was so young and ambitious.

"Can we sit in here?" asked Ron as he opened the compartment door.

"Um, well, er-"

"Great!" said Ron as he Hermione and Harry entered, sat down and made themselves comfortable.

"You look familiar." said Harry. "I'd swear that I've seen you somewhere before."

"Um... at the Leaky Caldron?"

"Yes. That was it." said Ron.

"Would anyone like some candy?" said the creepy old witch (well, Voldemort thought that she was creepy) who pushes the candy cart around.

"I'll have two chocolate frogs, and a liquorice wand." said Ron.

"Nothing for me." said Harry. "Someone has stolen half the gold from my vault. I suspect Voldemort."

"Why would Voldemort go into public just to steal from you?" asked Hermione.

"You shouldn't say his name like that." said Voldemort. "He might not like it. I mean, he is one of the most powerful wizards who ever lived."

"He's not here right now, what's he gonna do?" asked Ron

"He knows more than you think." Voldemort said

"You sound like a supporter" Hermione said

"What? No. I don't support him at all."

There was a scream outside the compartment. A few seconds later Dean opened their compartment door holding Nagini.

"Is this yours?" asked Dean.

"Nagi! What have you been up to?"

"Your snake almost ate Neville's toad. I mean, come on. Give him a break. He's already lost two plants this week. I don't think he can take much more."

"Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on my snake. Although it's amazing that she let you hold her like that. I've lost quite a few friends to that snake." said Voldemort.

Hermione eyed him suspiciously.

"What did you say it's name was?" asked Harry.

"Um... Nag- Na-gi-na. Yes Nagina."

"That's an odd name." said Harry.

"Oh, put a fork in it." said Nagini.

Harry recoiled.

After several long hours of eventless travel (that is, if you leave out the time Nagini tried to eat Crookshanks), they arrived at Hogwarts.


	5. The Sorting of the Sorted

**AN: You may have noticed that I'm updating like crazy. As a reasurance, I won't suddenly stop updating the story and forget about it, because I already have most of the story writen, and am trying to update at three chapters a day.**

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Chapter Five

The Sorting of the Sorted

The Hogwarts Express pulled into Hogsmeade station. Voldemort was first off the train, and first to hear Hagrid's annoying call of "Firs years over here." Ignoring him Voldemort followed Harry, until Hermione reminded him that he was a first year.

"Stupid Mudblood." Voldemort said as he grudgingly joined the other first years.

"You." Hagrid said to Voldemort "You can get in the boat next to mine." Voldemort climbed in, pushing many other first years into the water. Then as the boats set out, Voldemort waved his wand and made every boat except his flip upside down. Hagrid pulled himself out of the water and onto his boat.

"Wa did ya think you were doi'n?" asked Hagrid.

"I'm sorry." said Voldemort in his most innocent voice. "I though I saw a spider. A huge spider."

Hagrid opened his mouth, but turned away to help first years onto the boat.

As the fist years entered Hogwarts, Voldemort was the only one dry. Professor McGonagall stood in front of them to give the usual speech about houses and points and all that junk.

Voldemort wasn't paying attention. "Ha. With my knowledge of magic, a Slytherin victory will only be too easy."

"Mr. Riddlen!" said Professor McGonagall. "If you aren't going to pay attention, then you probably aren't going to earn any points at all."

The other students laughed. Professor McGonagall left the room.

"You can't keep talking out loud like that Voldi." said Nagini.

"Oh I know, it's just a very convenient way to organize my thoughts."

"You should get a pensive, just like Dumbledore has."

"I've considered it, but then it would only too easy for anyone to enter my memories."

The other students were all watching Voldemort. He was speaking in parseltoung to Nagini, so it sounded like he was trying to clear his throat. Voldemort suddenly noticed them looking at him.

"What are you all looking at?! You filthy muggle loving-"

Professor McGonagall had just returned.

"You were saying Mr. Riddlen?"

"Uh. That they all are dirty. Er, and that they like muggles."

"I-I don't like muggles." said one of the students in the back.

"Continuing," began Professor McGonagall. "they're ready for you."

All the first years entered the Great Hall. At the exact moment Voldemort entered the Great Hall, the sorting hat began screaming.

"SLYTHERIN!! SLYTHERIN!!! SLYTHERIN SLYTHERIN SLYTHERIN!!!

"Okay now sorting hat," said Dumbledore. "to which student are you referring?"

The hat wasn't paying attention. "SEVEN SLYTHERINS SACK THE SEEKER! Wow. Try saying that five times fast."

After that the hat was more cooperative, and most of the student's were sorted into their houses, until one "Riddlen Martin" was called out. As soon as he was within five feet of the hat it cried "SLYTHERIN!" once more, then exploded. Professor McGonagall quickly repaired the hat so that it could sort the rest of the students.


	6. Bucking Broomstick

Chapter Six

Bucking Broomstick

After all the students were sorted, Professor Dumbledore stood up to make a speech.

"Welcome new students. Before we begin our feast I would like to lay down a few start of term rules. First the dark forest is out of bounds to all students. Second no student unless a fifth year or older may-"

"Blaw blaw blaw doesn't this guy ever shut up?" said Voldemort.

Fred and George were sitting at the Gryffindor table staring at a particular first year at the Slytherin table.

"It looks like a wig." said Fred.

"Yeah, but what kid in their right mind would wear a blond wig?" asked George.

"Let's find out. Accio wig."

Snape's hair suddenly flew off the top of his head and flew straight at Fred. The moment it made contact with Fred's hand it began strangling him.

"Ah! Get it of, get it off." cried Fred. "So... greasy!"

Snape stood up. "Accio hair."

Snape's hair began flying back to him, but it was carrying Fred along with it. Snape and Fred made contact and both of them landed on the table. Snape was struggling to get his hair off of Fred, while George sat at Gryffindor table laughing. Harry Ron and Hermione, along with the rest of the school started laughing too.

"_Arronia Egimay_." said Dumbledore while waving his wand.

Snape's hair flew off of Fred's face and landed on top of Snape's head.

Several days later, Voldemort along with all the other first years stood outside on Hogwarts grounds while Madam Hooch taught them about broomsticks.

"Now, hold your hand over your broom and say 'up'."

All of the students cried "Up!" A few brooms moved around but nothing much more. They tried again. A few brooms flew up this time, but most didn't.

Amongst those whose broom did not go up was Voldemort. He hated riding brooms. He always had. He had once had an incident the first time he came to Hogwarts. "No." He said to himself. "It's not likely that _that_ would happen again."

"Alright mount your brooms." said Madam Hooch. "I want you to tale off, hover for a moment, and then land."

She blew her whistle and several students successfully got airborne. Voldemort was one of them. "This is how it began last time." said Voldemort. "I will fly just fine, until-"

Suddenly his broom lurched upwards. It became wild and kept trying to buck him off. Voldemort held on for dear life (Well, he can fly without a broomstick, but that would give him away). Suddenly he saw on the broomstick handle, a pair of evil red eyes staring up at him, and he knew for certain that the broom hated him.

With one final lurch the broom catapulted him (as he later said) half way across the school grounds until he landed in the Great Lake.


	7. Quidditch Catastrophe

Chapter Seven

Quidditch Catastrophe

After the broom incident Voldemort avoided any flying for several weeks, but he just couldn't pass up the opportunity to kill Harry during the first Quidditch match of the season, Gryffindor verses Slytherin. Voldemort made his way out to the Quidditch field with the rest of the Slytherins. On his way down, he ran into his favorite student to be mean to, Neville.

"Hello Longbottom." said Voldemort in a very cheerfully creepy voice.

Neville screamed. "Oh, it's just you... Wait, it's _you_! You're the moron whose snake almost ate my toad."

"Yes, it was rather unfortunate." said Voldemort. "...that she didn't finish the job."

"Where is your snake now?"

"Oh she's in the owlery. Getting her lunch."

Neville eyed him suspiciously.

Harry walked up. "Sorry I'm late, Hedwig seems a bit perturbed."

Ron ran up. "Harry! I can't find Pig! He seemed just fine yesterday in the owlery."

Voldemort suppressed a giggle. Harry missed it.

"Well," said Hermione. "Let's get down to Quidditch then. What's wrong with you, Ron?"

Ron was tearing his hair out. "It's Pig, he's gone."

"Oh great. Here we go again. First the rat, now the owl. Are you going to blame this one on-"

"CROOKSHANKS!!!" cried Ron. "I bet _he _was in the owlery!"

"I hope so." said Voldemort, in the kind of voice that made Neville shiver.

"Wow. Do you need a cough drop or something?" asked Harry. "I think I have one at the bottom of my trunk."

"Yes. Because I just love cough drops that's been sitting at bottom of filthy trunks for years."

"I could use a cough drop Harry." said Ron. "I'm always a bit scratchy after a Quidditch match."

Voldemort took a seat... right from a first year Slytherin. The crowds were all seated. Each team walked out on the field, and mounted their brooms.

"Madam Hooch flies in dramatically." narrated Lee Jordan. "My goodness, is she still teaching? Well she does look good after that last plastic surgery."

"Lee!" cried Professor McGonagall.

"Sorry Professor. Anyways, they've taken off, and are taking formation. Madam Hooch releases the Quaffle, and the game begins!"

Voldemort wasn't much entertained by the match. It was quite lame in his opinion. Although he took great pleasure in causing the snitch to orbit various player's heads, causing Harry to dive at the players. He got his best satisfaction, when he made the snitch go through the audience and Harry followed it, knocking several people into the air.

Gryffindor scored a point, and all the Slytherins did the wave, but not because they were excited, but because Nagini was crawling between their feet.

"Nagi!" cried Voldemort. "How was your breakfast?"

"I feel a little sick because of all the feathers."

Nagini gagged and threw up a small owl. Ron, who was playing keeper, noticed it.

"Hey! Martin!" cried Ron, who was now ignoring the match and letting in several goals. "Your snake ate my owl!"

"Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it?" taunted Voldemort.

"I'm going to curse that snake so bad that people will mistaken it for a throw pillow."

Ron sent a steady stream of curses at Nagini, but Voldemort deflected them all effortlessly. Most of the spells were deflected at Malfoy.

Before things could get worse, Harry caught the snitch, making Gryffindor win 180 to 170 (Slytherin had gotten quite a few points in while Ron was distracted).


	8. Detention with Dumbledore

Chapter Eight

Detention with Dumbledore

Professor McGonagall brought Ron and Voldemort into the entrance hall.

"I am very disappointed with the both of you!" said McGonagall in a very angry voice that made even Voldemort jump. "Twenty points from Gryffindor and Slytherin!"

"What!" cried Ron.

"Mr. Wesley. You are a Prefect. More should be expected from you. Plus, you nearly lost the match to _Slytherin_! No offence Mr. Riddlen."

"I'm offended!"

"Well you should be!" said Ron. "After the way you let your snake roam like that."

"He's right Martin." said McGonagall. "You need to keep your pet under control."

"Don't worry, I will from now on... _Mudblood lover._"

"What did you call me?!"

"What? It's a compliment."

"Detention!"

"What?!"

"You will meet me in my office, tonight at 8:30."

"No. He will go to my office."

Everyone turned around to see Dumbledore walking over.

"Headmaster." said McGonagall.

"I have an important task for him. Now let us be off to bed now."

"Professor," began Ron. "it's eleven thirty in the morning."

"Oh. Well then... Don't you have any classes you need to be getting to?"

"It's Saturday."

"I don't care. Just stop standing around. Ron, don't you and Harry need to be solving some kind of problem that could threaten the school?"

"Well Professor, the only real problem right now is the fact that Peeves is throwing candles at the Slytherins for losing the match."

"Well, you have your work cut out for-"

"And Mrs. Norris has gotten in the kitchen, and is trying to eat the house elves. And Luna Lovegood has accidentally caught the Ravenclaw common room on fire. And my ever growing mountain of homework has just grown a mind of it's own, and is trying to kill Martin's snake."

"Nagi!" cried Voldemort as he stormed out of the room.

At eight O clock that evening, Voldemort arrived at Dumbledore's office. He only then realized that he didn't know the password, but as he approached, the stone gargoyle moved out of the way on it's own, and Snape came down.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Snape sneered.

Voldemort hissed at Snape, making him jump backward ten feet.

"My Lord! I-I didn't recognize you... What are doing _here_?"

"Mind your own business." snarled Voldemort.

"Yes. Yes of course. Note to self, find out what he's up to."

"I told you to mind your own business!"

"Note to self, stop thinking out loud."

"Note to self," said Voldemort to himself. "copy Snape in that regard... But _only _in that regard."

Voldemort ascended the spiral staircase up to Dumbledore's office. He knocked on the door.

"Come in Voldemort, er, I mean Martin." said Dumbledore.

Voldemort walked into Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk writing a note.

"What is it you want me to do?" asked Martin, er, I mean Voldemort.

"Well, a friend sent me a big box of candies, but on the way over they all got jumbled and mixed up. Could you sort them for me?"

Voldemort started laughing. "Sure, but a few might go missing."

"What ever." said Dumbledore as he returned to his writing.

Voldemort began sorting the candies, but after a while curiosity took the better of him and he ate one of them. No sooner had he done so, then he became intensely sick and threw up all over the floor.

"Who sent these to you?" gasped Voldemort before puking again.  
"The Wesley twins. Eat a purple candy. That should do the trick." said Dumbledore before he returned to his writing again. "Oh, and do clean up the mess."

After a few more hours of sorting candies, Dumbledore stood up to use the bathroom. While he was gone Voldemort ran over to see what Dumbledore had been writing.

It read: "Dear Fred and George Wesley, Not five minutes after Voldemort, um, I mean, Martin, had began sorting, he ate one puking pastel. I guess I owe you two galleons."

Voldemort crumpled the paper in his hands and stormed out of the office.


	9. The Greatest Halloween Ever

Chapter Nine

The Greatest Halloween Ever

Voldemort had been dreading this class ever since the boat incident. Class with Hagrid. The oaf was so stupid it took him half the lesson to realize that Voldemort had set a growing charm on the Flobber Worms.

"Hey! You bes not be put'n enlargement charms on the Flobber Worms."

"Oh please. I was just trying to make them more interesting." said Voldemort in an innocent little voice.

"Personally, I think they are a little too interesting." said a student who had six worms biting his arm.

Voldemort pointed his wand at the student who had spoken. "Avada Kedavra!"

A jet of green light shot out of Voldemort's wand and hit one of the Flobber Worms attached to the student's arm.

"You could have killed me!" gasped the student.

"I'll get the rest if you just hold still."

"No no! I-I like them there."

Hagrid was oblivious.

"I insist."

"No! Get away from me!"

"You're moving too much."

"Get away!"

"Hold still! Avada-"

"Hey!" cried Hagrid. There'll be no kill'n Flobber Worms in my class."

"It's a bit late for that." said Voldemort in a sinister voice.

"Oh my gosh! You killed Rooty! Or was it Philip? Check it's name tag."

"It's Rooty."

"NO!"

Later at the Halloween feast Voldemort was sitting at the end of the table looking utterly upset.

"You know it's your fault." said Nagini (Who was hiding under the table).

"Yeah, I know, but he didn't have to take away 200 points!"

"You need to control your desire to kill."

"No. I just need to direct my anger at something else. Or _someone _else."

"Why not kill Harry now?"

"Excellent idea! I'll do right in front of the whole school. What could go wrong?'

"Um..."

Voldemort pulled out his wand and sent a killing curse at Harry, but at the same moment, Malfoy walked by holding a bowl of pudding. The curse hit the pudding, causing it all to explode in Malfoy's face.

"Who did this?!" cried Malfoy.

The Wesley twins began laughing. Malfoy garbed a handful of pudding and tossed it at them. The pudding didn't make it all the way though, and hit a third year Ravenclaw, who in turn tossed a lollypop at Malfoy, but it hit Voldemort instead.

"That's it." cried Voldemort as he wave his wand and caused all of the food in his vicinity to rise in the air and fly across the room.

The rest was pandemonium. The entire Hufflepuff house mounted a counter strike that resulted in the Slytherins getting coated. The Ravenclaws then assaulted Gryffindor. Food everywhere! It was chaos, every student was poised against another. Finally the fight ended when Professor McGonagall waved her wand and froze the flying food in mid air (The real reason that she decided to stop it, was because Dumbledore had hit her with a trifle tart that was intended for Snape).

"All students will go to their dormitories, immediately! You will stay there for the rest of the evening. Anyone who doesn't obey will be expelled."

All the students groaned (also Dumbledore) and went away to their common rooms. Professor McGonagall then waved her wand, and all the food landed on the ground.


	10. The Dismemberment Potion

Chapter Ten

The Dismemberment Potion

Voldemort was walking to Potions class when he saw Harry moving around unusually, checking to make sure that no one was watching him. Voldemort became curious and followed. Harry quietly moved down a corridor until he came to someone else. Voldemort couldn't see who it was so he moved in closer. When he came close enough, he found Harry with his arms wrapped around Cho Chang.

"Oh! Gross!" cried Voldemort to himself.

Harry looked up. "Who's there?"

Voldemort hid behind a suit of armor. Harry walked over.

"What is it?" asked Cho.

Harry strained his vision. "Probably just a ghost."

Suddenly a Ron's homework monster jumped out and tossed Harry across the room.

"Oh my gosh!" cried Cho.

The monster turned on her and knocked her out.

Meanwhile, Voldemort was still sitting behind the suit of armor, trying to decide the best way to kill Harry. He was totally oblivious to what was going on.

"Okay, I'll just jump out and kill him. It will be easy. And if the girl runs, I'll kill her too. And if she doesn't run, I'll still kill her."

Voldemort jumped out and shot a killing curse. It flew and missed Harry by inches, but it did get the monster's attention. As it moved in, Voldemort hit it with a flame curse, and the whole monster burned into dust (Somewhere else in the school, Hermione cried out, because she sensed that a great deal of important homework had just been destroyed).

"Martin!" gasped Harry as he stood up from the rubble. "You saved my life!"

Voldemort's eye twitched, his mouth hung open. A dull groan was the only thing that he was able to say.

Cho stood up from the wreckage. "Oh. Harry, I think I'll just be off to the hospital wing."

"Here," said Harry. "I'll take you."

"I think I'm going to be sick." said Voldemort five seconds before he threw up on the floor.

As Voldemort entered potions class Snape approached him. "Late again Mr.-" Snape yelped and jumped backwards. "My Lord, er I mean, Mr. Riddlen. How nice for you to be attending. W-why don't you take a seat next to Malfoy."

Malfoys face went pale. "Why is _he _in our class? He's only a first year!"

"He is very good at potions." sneered Snape. "Crabbe. Why don't you move over so that The Dark Lor- I mean, Martin can sit there."

"Malfoy!" said Voldemort in his best imitation of a spastic six year old.

Malfoy looked at Voldemort as if he were some kind of ugly creature.

"Now class," began Snape in his most dull tone of voice. "we will be making a wolfs bane potion. It will include seventy-three ingredients, it will have three hundred-twenty-seven steps, and you must have it finished in one hour." Snape paused, and then added. "Except Mr. Riddlen, who can make what ever he wants."

At that moment Harry walked in.

"Mr. Potter." said Snape in an evil tone of voice. "Late again. I guess you would rather be up to some tomfoolery than be learning important things."

"I was on my way, but I was attacked by Ron's homework, which he won't be able to turn in because Martin destroyed it while saving me." said Harry.

"A likely story." sneered Snape. "Fifty points from Gryffindor."

"What?!" gasped Harry.

"And two hundred points to Slytherin, for Martin saving Harry's life."

Voldemort suddenly piped up. "I've finished my potion!"

Snape walked up to Voldemort. "Ooh." He sneered (for the fiftieth time that day). "A perfect dismemberment potion. Will you be testing it on someone?"

"Oh yes! Harry Potter,"

"Hmm? What?" asked Harry who had some how dozed off.

"Because he's my favorite student!"

Malfoy suddenly looked up. "What? Give me that!"

Malfoy grabbed the potion and drank it down in one gulp. Almost instantly his arms and legs fell off his torso. Malfoy screamed in horror.

"I'll go get the antidote." said Snape as if nothing had happened.


	11. The Fat Lady's Revenge

Chapter Eleven

The Fat Lady's Revenge

Voldemort was carrying a basket of owl droppings from the owlery to Hagrid for a Christmas present, when he saw a painting of a fat lady open up and a student walked out of the opening.

"That portal must go to one of the four houses." said Voldemort. "It's defiantly not Slytherin, and I know where the Ravenclaw common room is."

Voldemort walked up to the student and began asking him questions.

"How do you feel about that Hufflepuff against Gryffindor match the other day?" asked Voldemort.

"Oh very exciting!" replied Colin Creevey.

"How did you feel about Gryffindor wining?"

"It's typical. Gryffindor usually beets Hufflepuff."

"So you're not upset?"

"Look. If you want to know what house I'm from, just look at my robes."

Not only did Colin have the classic Gryffindor badge, but he also had many "Go Gryffindor!" buttons pinned to his robes.

"Ah, yes." said Voldemort in an 'of course' type of voice. "Here," Voldemort handed Colin an owl dropping. "Happy Christmas!"

Colin just stood there looking at his new present.

After wrapping and delivering Hagrid's present, he returned to the portrait of the fat lady.

"Password." said the fat lady.

"Um, Gryffindor rocks?" asked Voldemort.

"No."

"Muggles are awesome?"

"No."

"Crap! I was sure that it was that."

"We had that one last year."

"Well! What is it then?"

"Voldemort sucks."

"What?! He doesn't suck!"

"You have to say it."

"I'm not going to say that!"

"Fine. Then I don't have to let you in."

"Okay! _Voldemort sucks_."

"I don't like your tone of voice little man."

"Why you muggle snoging-"

"Well?"

"FINE!!! Voldemort sucks!"

At that very moment Snape was walking by.

"Um, master?"

"Oh go stick your head in a toilet!"

"Yes. Very good master. Right away."

Snape ran away.

"NOW!" said Voldemort. "are you going to let me in?"

"No."

"WHY NOT!"

"Because that wasn't the password. I just wanted to hear you say it."

"Why you-"

At that moment Harry came around the corner. Voldemort jumped behind a large vase before Harry could see him.

"Password." said the Fat lady.

"Goblin's gold."

"Correct."

Voldemort quickly put a disillusionment charm on himself and slipped in behind Harry. Once inside he did a double summersault across the entry way and behind a chair, where he was shocked to discover Nagini.

"How did you get in here?" asked Voldemort.

"Well, when the fat lady wouldn't let me in, I just used my tail to pry the passage open." answered Nagini

"What? I thought that it was magically sealed."

"Oh no. The reason no one can get the picture open without the password, is because they're to lazy to try it without magic."


	12. I Dream of Dumbledore

Chapter Twelve

I Dream of Dumbledore

Harry Ron and Hermione sat down in their favorite chairs in front of the fireplace. Crookshanks sat next to Harry's chair and was fighting with something underneath. Suddenly he was sucked under. Hermione was very perplexed.

"Um Harry," said Hermione. "my cat was just sucked under your chair."

Harry was of course, oblivious. A few seconds later, Crookshanks shot out from under the chair, and dived into Ron's lap." Eeeww, he's all covered in slime!"

"That's odd." said Harry.

"Odd?!" shouted Hermione, making several first years jump. "My cat gets pulled under Harry's chair, gets shot back out, and you think it's odd?"

"Well it is." said Ron.

"Aren't you going to look under your chair Harry?"

"What? Sorry I dozed off."

"Harry, you're so oblivious!" cried Hermione. "And it is usually when you're around that Riddlen kid."

"I wish I could doze off that easily." mumbled Ron.

"Are you guys even listening to me?!" shouted Hermione.

"Is she still talking Ron?" asked Harry.

Hermione screamed and ran up to the girls' dormitories.

"Gosh. Women." said Ron before indulging in a chocolate frog.

Later that night, Harry was having a very odd dream. He was ascending the staircase to the boy's dormitory. His wand was held out, and he seemed very excited about something. He was now making his way down the rows of beds, searching for the right one. He found it. He pushed the curtains aside and sleeping before him was Harry Potter. Wait... no, I'm Harry Potter. Hey! What's that noise?

Harry bolted upright in his bed. It turned out that Ron was just talking in his sleep.

"I feel so pretty, I could die!" mumbled Ron.

Harry began to fall back asleep again, but he heard some one approaching. They were standing right next to him now. They looked just like-

"Santa?" asked Harry.

"What? Oh yes, ho ho ho!"

"Wait, you're not Santa, you're Dumbledore! Oh my gosh! Dumbledore is Santa Claus!"

"What?" asked Dumbledore. "No you're just dreaming. I'll prove it, Voldemort is hiding under your bed."

"He is?" asked Harry who was now only half awake.

Harry looked under his bed, and sure enough, there was Voldemort.

"Oh. I _must _be dreaming."

Harry then fell back asleep.

Voldemort was lying under Harry's four-poster bed while Dumbledore was trying to get Harry back to sleep.

"That was close!" whispered Voldemort. "Good thing Harry is so oblivious. Note to self, watch out for Dumbledore."

"Note to self," said Dumbledore who was still standing next to Harry's bed. "be more quiet next time. Oh, and Voldemort, er, Martin, why don't you and your snake go back to the Slytherin common room. I think Malfoy has left you a present!"

Voldemort could only lie there, totally confounded. "Dumbledore is Santa Claus?! I think I'm going to be sick."

The next morning, Harry discovered, that in addition to his usual presents, he also found fresh vomit under his bed.

"Oh, have the Creevey brothers been hiding under my bed again? Oh well."

Harry reached for his first present, a large lumpy package that squirmed when he poked it with his wand.

"This had better not be from Hagrid." said Harry.

"What does the note on it say?" asked Ron.

"Happy Christmas from Voldemort." read Harry.

Hermione walked in. "Harry! Don't open that!"

Too late. Harry had torn the wrapping paper and Nagini jumped out, but missed Harry and coiled around Ron instead.

"Oh my gosh!" cried Ron. "Get it off!"

Both Harry and Hermione hit Nagini with a stunning spell. Harry noticed that there was more to the letter.

"...If you happen to defeat my snake, just place her by the Slytherin common room."

"I guess we should oblige." said Ron.


	13. Missing: One Large Snake

Chapter Thirteen

Missing: One Large Snake

Hermione was staring, mouth agape. "Ron, this thing has tried biting your hand off three times already! I think the venom has gone to your head."

"No it hasn't...ah..." Ron fell over in a daze.

"Harry!"

Harry looked up dumbly. "Huh?"

"Talk to the snake! Interrogate her!"

"You talk to it! I don't want to," complained Harry.

"Well I would, but I can't talk to snakes!"

"Oh yeah, ha ha ha..." Harry looked down at Nagini. "Um, where's Voldemort?"

Nagini shrugged in only the way a snake can. "Don't know. He could be anywhere this time of day...probably terrorizing some carolers."

"Oh, okay." Harry turned to Hermione. "If you want Voldemort, go find carolers."

Ron sat up groggily. "Wait...he's caroling?"

Nagini hissed. "You idiot! Follow the screams!"

At that moment there was several yelps from somewhere on the grounds. The trio (and Nagini) all looked out the window to see several people being pelted by enchanted snowballs.

"Could be just a coincidence," Harry hoped to himself.

"Probably," muttered Ron. "Why would You-Know-Who be wandering around Hogwarts?"

"Still, how did his snake get in here?" Hermione asked.

"What snake?" Harry asked.

Hermione turned to see Nagini had escaped. "Ah! Quickly!"

They bolted down the stairs into the common room to see Nagini pushing open the portal. Hermione cast a freezing spell, and they took the snake back upstairs.

"Well at least if _we _have her, maybe we can get some answers."

Voldemort was laughing as he made another large snowball splat into one of the nasty carolers. Oh how he hated Christmas singing. Finally after scaring them all into the lake, he decided to go check on his snake.

"She's probably waiting for me back at Slytherin. Better hurry too, before she eats Malfoy's present. I picked it out just for him!"

However, Voldemort was shocked to find she was nowhere to be found in the Slytherin common room.

"Nagini! Where are you?!"

Voldemort proceeded to search everyone's room; even the girl's (who weren't too happy to see a little pale blonde boy running around their room screaming for his precious snake). Voldemort still couldn't find her, he was almost to tears.

"Nagi?!" cried Voldemort. "This isn't funny! Come out right now!"

He ran up to the owlery. "Nagi!"

"I don't think she's here." said George as he and Fred entered the owlery.

"What do you two know about this?!" cried Voldemort.

"Nothing." said Fred.

"Yeah," said George. "nothing at all. But if you want to find your snake, just put up posters."

"Yeah!" said George. "You could even offer a reward."

"You guys are geniuses!' said Voldemort. "I'll go do it right now!"

"Aww! This is heart wrenching." said Ron as he looked at a poster taped to the bulletin board.

Hermione read the poster. "Missing: One large green, snake. Likes to eat small animals, and large animals. A bit mean when you first meet her, but she grows on you over time (That is, if she doesn't eat you first). Very playful, her favorite game is Wizard Chess. Reward: 10 Galleons. If you find her, give her to Martin Riddlen."

Under the words was a picture of Nagini.

"Hey!" said Harry. "That snake looks exactly like the one that attacked us."

"Oh my gosh!" cried Ron. "Do you know what this means?"

"Yes." said Hermione. "I have suspected him all along."

"What?" asked Ron. "I was going to say, that Voldemort must have stolen Martin's snake."

"That cruel person!" cried Harry. "Separating a boy from his snake! That's just mean!"

Hermione slapped her forehead.

"Well, we should give her back to Martin now that we know she doesn't know anything about Voldemort." said Harry

"Wait, I want to play a game of Chess with her first." Ron said


	14. The Trade Off

Chapter Fourteen

The Trade Off

"Wow! That's three in a row! Care for another game?"

"No," Nagini wined. When Ron didn't respond she shook her head.

Ron shrugged and put the chessboard away. Hermione continued to eye the creature distrustfully.

"Don't grow attached." said Harry. "We'll be giving it back to Martin tomorrow."

"No we won't." said Hermione. "As long as we have the snake, we have an important bargaining chip to get information with."

"You mean, I can keep it?" said Ron excitedly.

"Well, just for a little while." answered Hermione. "But your mum probably won't let you take it home with you. Besides, you already have an owl."

"Yeah." said Ron. "But Pig hasn't been the same since he was eaten by- well, this snake."

"Hey!" cried Nagini (even though Harry was the only one who could understand her). "I have a name. It's Nagi... na. Yes, Nagina."

"You wouldn't want to keep her if you saw Vol-, er, Martin." said Fred, as he and George entered the Gryffindor common room.

"What do you mean?" asked Harry.

"Even now, Martin is running up and down the castle crying 'Where's Nagi? Where's Nagi? What kind of muggle kissing loser would separate a boy from his snake?'" said George who was doing a very good imitation of Martin.

"It's down right pitiful!" said Fred.

"Hmm, maybe we should give her back." said Harry.

"Excellent!" said Fred. "George and I have already arranged a trade off with him in one hour."

"You WHAT?!" cried Hermione.

"In exchange," continued George. "He must give us, er, I mean, you, a fifty galleon reward."

"You're evil!" cried Hermione. "Forcing a little boy to pay, just so he can have his snake back?"

"He will be meeting you in the Great Hall" said Fred.

He and George both walked out of the room mysteriously.

"You know," said Nagini. "I'm going to have to side with Hermione on this one, they _are _evil."

Voldemort entered the Great Hall from the east entry. Harry Entered the Great Hall through the west entry.

"Do you have her?" asked Voldemort.

Fred and George ran in front of Harry. "Yeah. He's got your snake." said Fred.

"But do you have our money?" asked George.

"Yes." said Voldemort. "but why did we meet in the Great Hall? I mean with all the students watching."

It was true. Fred and George had planned the trade off during lunch hour. Half the school was watching.

"This is how it will work." said Fred. "You will each place your thing on opposite ends of the Gryffindor table. Then you will each walk around and grab the other person's thing."

Harry set Nagini on one end of the table while Voldemort set a large bag on the other end.

"This is so exciting!" said Ron, who had grabbed a bowl of popcorn.

"When I say go," said George. "you will walk around the table. Ready? Go!"

Voldemort and Harry began running to opposite ends. Nether of them knew why they were running. Harry reached the other end first, grabbed the bag, and ran out of the room.

"Where are you going Harry?" asked Fred.

"That's our gold!" said George.

Fred and George began chasing after Harry, Ron followed while holding the popcorn, along with Colin, who was trying to take a picture of Harry.

Meanwhile, Voldemort was still running towards Nagini (He was a very slow runner). Nagini got out of the cage and began slithering towards Voldemort. They were both running towards each other in slow motion.

"Oh Nagini! I thought I would never see you again!" said Voldemort who was now crying.

Hermione was also crying, along with the rest of the girls in the room. Even Snape had to wipe away a tear.

"Now that were back together again," said Voldemort. "let's go kill Harry!"


	15. Defense Against Dumbledore

**AN:** This is the only chapter that defanse against the dark arts teacher is in. We forgot to incude him sooner, and we forgot to include him in later chapters. Sorry.

* * *

Chapter Fifteen

Defense Against Dumbledore

"Greetings students! I am Sir Doctor Professor. But you can just call me Professor." said their defense against the dark arts teacher.

"Wow." said Voldemort. "That would mean more if you hadn't told us this every day since the start of the term!"

"Well, I just wanted to make sure that you remembered."

"Yes, we remembered! We also remember that your favorite color is light yellow, and that your favorite animal is the African blue nose penguin, or that secretly, you are freaked out by Professor Snape."

The professor ignored him. "We will be fighting boggarts today. Turn to page, um... just look it up in the index."

Voldemort tapped his book with his wand. "Boggarts." The book instantly opened up to it. Voldemort sat back and laughed while everyone else was flipping pages.

"Oh, let's not do any reading today." said the Professor. "Let's battle one. Um... Accio boggart."

There was a long pause, but then suddenly a stack of paper work flew in through one of the windows.

"NO!" cried the Professor. "My worst fear is endless paperwork! Riddikulus!"

The paper suddenly burst into flame. The professor began laughing insanely.

"Please!" said Voldemort. As he walked up to the boggart.

The burning pile of paper work suddenly turned into Death. Voldemort screamed in a high-pitched voice as Death raised his scythe over Voldemort's head.

"Rid-Riddikulus!"

Harry Potter suddenly appeared in front of Voldemort. Death brought his scythe down and chopped Harry's head off. Voldemort began rolling on the floor laughing. This caused the boggart to evaporate.

The _real_ Harry,(who happened to be in the same class at the time) along with Ron, were both oblivious, but Hermione was now more suspicious than ever.

The professor had just recovered from his little episode. "Hey! What happened to the boggart?"

"I, uh, finished it off." said Voldemort.

"What?! Before any of the other students got a chance to battle it? What am I going to do for rest of the hour?"

"You could just Accio another one."

"You do it."

"Fine. Accio boggart!"

Dumbledore suddenly walked in.

"Hello class!" said he in a jolly voice.

Voldemort screamed. "Riddikulus! Riddikulus! Why isn't it changing?!"

Then a second Dumbledore walked in.

"Hello class." said he too.

"Which one is the real Dumbledore?" asked Harry.

"There is only one way to find out." said the professor. "What is Dumbledore's favorite candy?"

"Lemon drops." said the first Dumbledore.

"Cockroach clusters" said the second one.

"Well?" asked Harry. "Which one is it?"

"Um. I don't know." said the professor.

"Ask another question." said Ron, who was holding a bowl of popcorn.

"Okay." said the professor. "What is the first thing that Dumbledore does after he gets out of bed in the morning?"

"He uses the bathroom." said the first Dumbledore.

"Why he uses the bathroom." said the second Dumbledore.

"Hey, he just copied my answer." said the first.

"I have an idea!" said Voldemort. "Let's kill them both. The one that's a boggart will just evaporate, while the other one just dies."

"Good thinking!" said the Professor. "Avada-"

"Wait!" cried Hermione. "I have a better question, one that only the _real _Dumbledore could answer. If Harry Ron and I were walking to potions class, and we get stopped by Malfoy who wants to make us late. We blast him aside but get caught by Professor McGonagall, who promptly assigns us to clean toilets for one week, and while we're cleaning the toilets, Peeves starts pouring dung all over them so we have to clean for an extra long time until our hands are raw. We go to Madam Pomfrey, and while we're there Snape walks in to give Malfoy a get well soon card but he sees us and begins taking away points for no good reason. And the Gryffindors lose the house cup and all of them get mad at us, so they stuff our heads in the very same toilets that we were trying to clean. Would you be cheering?"

"Of course." said the first one.

"That would be bad teaching." said the second one.

"Riddikulus!" shouted Hermione, with her wand pointed at the second Dumbledore.

He instantly evaporated.

"How did you know?" asked Ron.

"Easy, when Martin couldn't get rid of the first one, I just assumed that the second one was the boggart."

"But why the long question?" asked Voldemort.

"Oh I just wanted to see how he would answer."


	16. Voldemort's Valentine

**AN: I feel sorry for Harry**

* * *

Chapter Sixteen

Voldemort's Valentine

As February 14 loomed nearer and nearer, Voldemort likewise became grumpier.

"So Martin," said Colin Creevey. "Who are you going to send a valentine to?"

"Oh you know, just um, well, uh, you see-" mumbled Voldemort.

"I see what's going on."

"You do?!"

"You're not very good at hiding it."

"Is it that obvious?"

"Oh yeah... You're in love."

"What?!"

"Your eyes deceive you."

"First of all, I have red eyes with slits for pupils, second, I am incapable of love."

"Don't deny it. I've seen the way that you look at her."

"Who?"

"Hermione."

"What?! That Mudblood?"

"You can insult her all you want, but it won't hide the truth."

"I-I'm a sixty-nine year old man."

"Okay, now your excuses aren't even making any sense. Why don't you send her a valentine?"

"What?"

"Yeah!" said Fred, as he and George entered the Great Hall. "And if you _are _shy, you can just put it under anonymous."

"It's perfect." said George.

Voldemort slapped his forehead. "But I don't even-"

"You could send her a card, and some flowers-"

"But where is he going to get those?" asked Fred, who was talking a cheesy salesmen voice.

"I know," said George. "He can buy, Fred and George's, Wizard Valentines."

"Need to make a good impression?"

"Buy our flowers?"

"Want to make her smile?"

"Buy our cards."

"Need to make a point?"

"Buy our chocolates."

"Want her to love you?"

"Buy our love potions."

"You can get the traditional Valentines Pack for only one galleon."

"But if you're really desperate, try our Valentines Super Pack for only five galleons."

"And if you want to make a long lasting impression, buy our Super Suicide Valentines Pack, for only twenty galleons."

Voldemort thought that he was able to defend himself against anything. He was wrong. Ten minutes later he was walking away with his arms weighed down with Fred and George's Valentines stuff.

February 14 started out as any other day. Harry sat down at the end of Gryffindor table and began to help himself to a large helping of eggs, when suddenly-

"Ouch!" cried Harry as Cho Chang slapped him. "What did I do?"

"Like you don't know!" said Cho.

"I don't."

"After the things you said to me in that card- And do you think that I'm dumb?"

"What card? No I don't think that you're dumb."

"You hid a love potion in the chocolates that you sent me."

"I what!""

"But it's too late now. Poor Luna, I had to restrain her. She is now madly in love with you."

"What?!" asked Harry.

"HARRY!" cried Luna as she entered the Great Hall. "My love, my love. Now we shall never be apart again!"

Harry got up from the table and bolted for the exit. Where he met Hermione, who slapped him.

"What now?" asked Harry.

"You! You take a decent holiday, and use it as an opportunity to admit your love to half the school?"

"Half the school?!"

"Every girl that I have met today, is ether madly in love with you, or totally hates you."

"I-I-I"

"Harry!" cried Luna.

"I have to go." said Harry before bolting out of the room.

As Harry left, he barely missed running into Ron.

"What's up with Harry?" asked Ron.

"Oh just the usual, my little cupcake." said Hermione.

"What's up with _you_?" cried Ron.

"Oh, I was just remembering that words in that card you sent me."

"I-I didn't-"

"Hair like silk, eyes like gems..."

"I didn't write that."

Hermione's expression changed. "Well of course not! Because you're too stupid to know what a proper valentine is!"

"What do you mean, I sent you one."

"Oh, you mean that piece of construction paper cut in the shape of a heart that says 'Hapy Valintiens Day' on it?"

Voldemort sat at the Slytherin table laughing his head off. It was he who had written the cards and planted the love potions.

"Poor Harry." Voldemort said to himself. "I almost feel bad for him."

"You never sent _me _a valentine." said Nagini.

"I didn't think snakes liked to get valentines."

"We don't, but it's the thought that counts."

"I'll tell you what, I'll go up to the owlery and get you a nice plump valentine."

"Don't bother, I've already eaten them all."


	17. Fan Clubs

Chapter Seventeen

Fan Clubs

"This isn't working," Voldemort sighed as he sat down in the classroom.

"You're not trying hard enough," said Nagini. "Look, there he is. Kill him now."

Voldemort looked up gloomily as Harry sat down several rows up.

"Avada Kedavra!"

The spell barely missed Harry as he bent down to get his books, and hit a random student next to the window. The student slumped over, and fell out the window and into the lake. A few people ran over to look after hearing the splash.

"See?!" complained Voldemort.

Collin suddenly plopped down next to him. "See what? See what?" He aimed his camera around.

"Yeah, what?" said Fred and George as they sat down too.

Voldemort fumed. "What are you all doing here?!"

"Now, now. What's got you down?" asked Fred.

Voldemort looked around to make sure that no one else was listening. "Harry!"

"Oh, I see." said George.

"See what?"

"Your a fan!" said Colin.

Voldemort didn't know whether he was going to laugh or throw up. "You think that I'm a fan?"

"There's no denying it." said Fred.

"I'm _not _a fan!" said Voldemort who was getting angry.

"Being a Harry Potter fan isn't a bad thing." said Colin.

"Yeah." said Fred. "In fact, we have our very own Harry Potter fan club."

"He's right." said Colin. "We hold it every Wednesday in the room of requirement."

"Hmm," said Voldemort to himself. "This could be a chance to get closer to Harry."

"No it wouldn't." said George. "If Harry ever found out about this, we would all be dead."

"You aren't going to tell him are you?" asked Colin.

An evil grin crossed Voldemort's face. "Oh no, I won't say a word."

Colin heaved a sigh of relief. "Good, because the last time Harry discovered our club, he well um, he kind of blew a circuit."

Voldemort's grin widened.

"Welcome to the Harry Potter fan club!" said Colin later that day. "I see that we have a few new members today. Would you please stand up and introduce your selves? You go first Voldemort, er I mean, Martin."

Voldemort stood up. "Hi, I'm Martin Riddlen, I like snakes, and, killing muggles. I brought my pet snake Nagina to the meeting because she likes to get out a lot."

"Let's give a big hand to Voldemort, um, Martin." said Fred.

Everyone clapped.

"And you, in the back." said Colin. "Would you introduce yourself?"

"Hello everyone, my name is Dumbledore. I like candies, teaching, and trying to kill Voldemort."

Voldemort hissed at him. No one noticed.

"Let's all give a hand for Dumbledore!"

Everyone clapped.

Colin continued. "Now, our first order of business is learning new information about Harry. The Wesley twins will report in this."

"Thanks Colin!" said Fred.

"The first thing we discovered this week," began George. "Is that Harry likes to play Quidditch."

Everyone pulled out a notebook and wrote it down.

"Next," said Fred. "we discovered that Harry has broken up with Cho Chang."

Everyone gasped.

"We also found out, that he in fact dose not have a Hippogriff tattooed to his chest."

Some of the girls in the audience sighed.

"That's all. Back to Colin." said George.

"Thanks Fred and George. And remember to buy Fred and George's Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. Now, Harry has lost one of his smelly socks, we must help him find it!"

Dennis Creevey burst in the entrance. "I've got it! I found it! It was the Gryffindor common room!"

"Excellent!" said Colin. "That covers our agenda for this week. There will be refreshments behind you, and Neville will be handing out hair clippings from Harry's hair while you leave. Meeting adjourned."

Everyone got up and began chatting and helping themselves to the refreshments. While looking around, Voldemort noticed some very familiar faces.

"Rita Sceeter?" asked Voldemort.

"Yes, I always come here to get the latest gossip about Harry Potter."

"How would you like to get an exclusive interview with someone far better than Harry?"

"Dumbledore won't let me interview him."

"I'm not talking about Dumbledore." said Voldemort.

"You have links to the Dark Lord?"

Voldemort took off his wig. Rita screamed and leaped backwards onto the refreshment table.

"W-w-why yes. I-I-I think that can interview you. When do you want to do it?"

"After this meeting. I want to kill Harry first."

"Oh yes, good thinking. But Harry isn't-"

Suddenly the door to the room of requirement opened and Harry stood gaping at them all.

"Hey Harry." said the Weasley twins. "Want some refreshments?"

The twins did a double take. Ron grabbed a bowl of popcorn. Hermione joined him.

"This is going to be good." said Ron.

There was an infinitely long moment where they all just stared at Harry.

"Can you guys leave the room for a second?" asked Harry who was once again, totally oblivious.

Everyone obliged, not saying a word just in case he came to his senses.

"I don't see it Martin." said Harry. "What was the important thing that I was supposed to see here?"

Everyone looked at Voldemort.

"Let's dip his head in the toilets!" cried Fred and George.

The entire Harry Potter fan club began chasing Voldemort down the school corridors, including Dumbledore.

Malfoy was sitting in the Great Hall eating some soup. Suddenly Voldemort ran through the east entry and out the west entry.

"What was that about?" asked Malfoy to himself.

Suddenly the entire Harry Potter fan club ran through the east entry.

"Where did that back stabber go?" asked George.

Malfoy pointed towards the west entry. Everyone began running that way.

Meanwhile, Harry was sitting in the room of requirement eating some popcorn along with Ron, Hermione, and Nagini.

"You know," said Ron. "For such a silly club, they're doing pretty well."

"What club?" asked Harry.

"You know, the Harry Potter fan club?"

"RON NO!" cried Hermione, but it was too late.

"The what?!" cried Harry as he got up and began chasing after everyone else.

Harry ran into the Great Hall and turned to Malfoy.

"Which way did they go?"

Malfoy pointed at the west entry.

Harry ran off.


	18. Divination Class

Chapter Eighteen

Divination Class

Voldemort climbed to the north tower along with some other students. When he came to the circular room that sat below the trap door, he noticed Harry was there too.

"Ha, ha." said Voldemort to himself. "Now your Hermione isn't here to protect you."

"You're talking out loud again." said Nagini who was inside Voldemort's school bag.

"Oh shut up. I'm still mad that you didn't help me when I was being dunked in the school toilets."

The trap door opened and a silver ladder descended. All the students began ascending the ladder into Professor Trelawney's office.

"Welcome my students." said Professor Trelawney in a creepy voice.

Voldemort entered the classroom.

Trelawney leaned over to Harry. "_Beware the distempered little pale boy with a blond wig._"

"What?" asked Harry.

"Hmm? Sorry, I blacked out for a second." said Trelawney.

Everyone got seated.

"Now class, we will be doing review work. Every one go get a crystal ball."

Voldemort placed a crystal ball on his table and began pretending to be shocked by what he was seeing. Suddenly Dumbledore appeared in the crystal ball and waved at him. Voldemort screamed and fell over backwards.

"What is it my dear boy?" asked Professor Trelawney. "What has your inner eye seen?"

"I-I saw Dum-, I mean Voldemort."

Half the class gasped.

Professor Trelawney stared at him for a few seconds. "Yes, you have much reason to be fearful. I sense a great deal of death in your life."

"What are you? Some kind of radio antenna that can scan people?"

"My inner eye sees much."

"I'm going to poke out your inner eye if you don't leave me alone."

"Twenty points from Slytherin."

Harry gasped. "Professor Trelawney has never taken away points before."

"What for?" asked Voldemort.

"For the outburst that you will be having in a few minutes."

"What?! You can't punish me for something that I haven't done yet!"

"Now class," continued Trelawney as if she had never been interrupted.

"Look past the distractions of the outer world, and open your inner eye."

Harry yawned, he hadn't been able to get to sleep the night before because Snape had given him and Ron extra homework. He could now see a snowy white owl inside his crystal ball.

"Ha, ha, owl."

Suddenly the owl split open and a snake came out of it.

"No! Why did the owl have to die...?! Uh oh, was I talking out loud?"  
The whole class was looking at him.

"What did you see?" asked Ron.

Harry explained what he had seen. Ron looked it up in his book.

"It means," said Ron. "that someone you trust is really your arch enemy."

Harry looked across the room. "_Neville_!"

"That's it!" cried Voldemort. "I can't take this class! Yes it's because of the teacher, but it's also the freaky decor, that nasty perfume that's all through the air, and I think that someone gave me a trick crystal ball! Every ten seconds, Dumbledore pops in and waves."

Voldemort stormed out of the class.

Harry turned to Ron. "I no longer think it's Neville. Now I suspect Dennis."

Professor Trelawney suddenly began convulsing and she spoke in a harsh voice. "_The next person to leave the room shall die_...! Oh, looks like it's time to leave."

All the students gaped at each other.

Voldemort stood next to the silver ladder that stood below the trap door.

"What are you planning?" asked Nagini.

"When Harry comes down first, I'll just kill him."

"Good thinking."

All the students stood by the exit trap door, terrified of leaving.

"What do you see?" asked Ron.

"I-I can't see anything." said Colin. "But I think I can hear talking...no more like hissing."

"Oh my gosh!" cried Neville. "There must be snakes at the bottom of the ladder!"

"What's wrong with you all?" asked Professor Trelawney. "Won't you be late for your other classes?"

No one moved.

Voldemort still stood at the bottom of the ladder. "My goodness!" said he. "They are sure taking a long time."

"Well you did leave early." said Nagini.

A few seconds later, Dumbledore walked up.

Voldemort screamed.

"I beg your pardon?" asked Dumbledore.

"I-I was just surprised by you. What are you doing here?"

"My inner eye felt a disturbance."

All the students still stood at the top of the ladder.

"It's alright." said Dumbledore.

"Oh good, it's Dumbledore." said Neville. "Now it's safe to go down."

"WAIT!" cried Harry. "What if it's _Dumbledore_ that's the one we can't trust?"

Neville, who had already set his foot on the first rung, screamed and leaped back up.

"I'm climbing up." said Dumbledore

Ron fainted. Colin leaped into Neville's arms.

Dumbledore came up. "What's wrong?"

"I have no idea!" said Professor Trelawney. "My inner eye doesn't see any immediate danger, but these students are sure that something is trying to kill them."

"See?" said Dumbledore. "The only thing at the bottom of the stairs is Martin."

"Oh." said Harry, who was now relieved.

Harry climbed down the ladder.

"At last!" said Voldemort. "Avada Kedavra!"

At that same moment, Hermione ran over to Harry, and Voldemort's spell only hit one of her books. The book exploded.

Hermione turned to face Voldemort, and in a dark voice said, "_That was a hard back, first addition copy of Hogwarts A History!_"

Her face turned a shade of purple that would make uncle Vernon proud. Voldemort on the other hand, went so pale, that he resembled a ghost. He turned and ran for his life.


	19. Voldemort and the Map

**AN: **I would like to say thanks to all of you that have posted reviews, add my story to your favoated list, or have added it to your alert list. A speacial thanks to Fae08, for your awsome reviews!

* * *

Chapter Nineteen

Voldemort and the Map

"Harry...HARRY!"

He looked up in a daze. "Huh- what?"

Hermione groaned. "Harry, you're not paying attention again."

Voldemort was only three rows away in the study hall, pretending to be reading a very important book.

"Hmm, what'd you want?"

"I need to look at the Marauder's Map," said Hermione. "I want to test a theory."

Ron whipped his bowl of popcorn. "Is it going to be exciting?"

"No..."

Ron groaned, and put the bowl away. Harry fumbled around in his bag, but couldn't find the old roll of parchment. Soon he began to panic.

"I- I can't find it!"

Across the room Voldemort chuckled. "Did you get it?"

Nagini spit the map out onto his lap. "He didn't suspect a thing."

Voldemort laughed in victory (getting a few odd stares from the other students) and then opened the map.

"Now how does this piece of dung work?"

Almost instantly words began forming on the parchment.

_Hey_! _We will _NOT _be insulted by some pale boy with a wig_.

Voldemort's eyes went wide. "_We_? Who is _we_?"

The old words disappeared, and a moment later new ones took shape.

_Wouldn't _you _like to know_?

Voldemort started turning red. "Tell me!"

_No. _

"I'm warning you."

_We're not listening anymore_.

"You can't ignore me!"

_Nothing_

"Hey! I'm not finished with you!"

_Nothing_

"Fine, I'll just ignore you too."

Fred and George walked into the room. "Kittens! Come get your kittens!"

"Two for one galleon!"

"Where did you get those?" asked Harry.

"Wouldn't you, and Hermione like to know." said George.

"Let's just say, that Filch is now a grandpa."

"Uh," said Ron. "And he's just letting you sell them?"

"He agreed when we decided to split the profits fifty fifty with him."

"Well, good for him." said Harry.

"Kittens, cute little kittens! Two for one galleon!

"Hey, Fred!" said Voldemort. "I'm having trouble with this."

He showed them the map.

"Oh I remember this." said Fred. "Did Harry lend it to you?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good?"

"I think anyone selling contraband kittens would be." said Voldemort

George pointed at the map.

"Oh! Ha ha ha. I have finally probed your secrets!"

"Ahem!" said George.

"With a little help form the Weasleys."

"Now look," said Fred. "As you can see, this is a map of Hogwarts."

"Wow!" said Voldemort. "I once drew a map of Hogwarts, but it was a bit less, um, accurate."

He reached into his school bag and removed what looked like a six year old's drawing of Hogwarts.

Voldemort pointed at some stick people in the picture. "See, that's me, and that's Dumbledore, and that's Harry after I had killed him."

Fred and George stared at Voldemort with their mouths open. "Right. Well- this map is much better."

"I beg to differ!" said Voldemort. "I spent almost five minutes coloring this."

"Moving on!" said George. "This is not only a map, it shows you where everyone is."

"See?" said Fred "There's the Great Hall, and in it there's Harry, Ron, Hermione, George, me and-"

"Oh my gosh!" cried Voldemort. "It shows my real name."

Right next to the dots labeled Fred and George, was a dot labeled Tom Riddle.

"-and there's Dumbledore in his office." continued Fred as if hadn't heard Voldemort. "And there's- Oh no, Snape is heading right for you Dumbledore, run!"

* * *

Dumbledore suddenly dived behind his desk, just as Snape entered. 

"Um Professor? What are you doing behind your desk?" asked Snape.

"I-I don't know. I just suddenly had the overpowering urge to hide from you."

"Well get up. I have some important papers for you to sign."

"Oh no!"

* * *

"Hey Fred," said Voldemort. "could I buy a couple of those kittens? Tomorrow is Nagina's birthday." 

"Sorry!" said George. "These kittens are not for eating."

"Oh. Then could I just buy some because they look cute?"

"Sure. But it will cost you."

"Ten galleons each." said Fred.

"Are you mad?" said Voldemort. "I'm already pretty low on Harry's money."

"That's our price." said George.

"Fine! Here's twenty galleons."

"Thank you. But we have already sold them all." said Fred as he and George bolted for the exit.

"Hey! Get back here with Harry's- um, I mean, _my_ money!"


	20. The Flaming Ghost of Death

Chapter Twenty

The Flaming Ghost of Death

Voldemort was watching the Marauder's map, hoping to catch Harry on his own even though right now it was midnight. Voldemort couldn't get to sleep, he kept having nightmares about Dumbledore.

"I just need to stretch my legs for a bit." said Voldemort to himself.

He got out of bed, put on his favorite pink slippers, and left the Slytherin common room.

"Now where should I go? I know! I'll go set Hagrid's cabin on fire. That always cheers me up."

Voldemort made his way down stone passages, and up corridors, until after a while he realized that he was lost.

"Oh darn it! I'm sure that I've already been down this passage."

"Ooh look! A student out of bed." said Peeves in a delighted voice.

"Don't even think about it." said Voldemort in an icy voice.

"I'm thinking about it! I'm thinking about it!"

"Shut up! If you don't be quiet, a teacher is going to hear us."

Peeves thought for a moment. "STUDENT OUT OF BED!! STUDENT OUT OF BED!!"

Voldemort looked at the map. (which he just now realized he had) Snape was moving in on his location.

"Out of bed?" asked Snape in an excited voice.

"Why yes. Yes I am." said Voldemort in a perfectly calm voice.

"Don't insult me boy."

"I'll insult whoever I want."

"Who do you think you are? The Dark Lord?"

"Yes. Yes I do."

"We'll see what you think after I send you on the train home."

"That would be a mistake Severus."

"How dare you! _Lumos._"

As Snape's wand lit up, he screamed like a little girl and leapt back.

"My master! Please accept my apologias."

Voldemort giggled. "I'll deal with you later."

Snape winced.

"Now get to work, pretending to be a double agent."

"Yes, yes." Snape ran off.

Voldemort looked back at the map. While Snape's dot was leaving, Dumbledore's was approaching.

"Oh dung!" said Voldemort.

"Hello Martin!" said Dumbledore in a chipper voice. "Are you going to burn down Hagrid's cabin too?"

"Why yes." said Voldemort.

"Well then, I'm going to have to send you back to bed."

"What? You can't do that, I still need to kill Harry tonight."

"Oh. Why didn't you say so? I saw him walking to the library."

"Thanks Dumbledore."

"Don't mention it Voldemort." said Dumbledore as he walked off.

* * *

Harry was in the restricted section, looking for information about ways to remove unwanted cheese from the underside of his four-poster bed (there was an incident with Ron, Colin, and a block of cheddar). Suddenly he heard footsteps entering the library. Harry quickly pulled his invisibility cloak over his head.

* * *

Voldemort entered the library. According to his map, Harry was in the restricted section. When Voldemort got there, he didn't see anyone. Voldemort looked back at his map. Harry should be standing right in front of him.

* * *

Harry stood against a bookshelf, who ever he had heard, was now standing right in front of him. Harry couldn't see their face though.

* * *

Voldemort looked at his map again. Finally he got mad, and sent a flame curse in the direction that Harry should be. To his amazement, the flame had hit something in the air.

* * *

Harry cried out. His invisibility cloak was on fire.

* * *

The fire that was floating in the air shaped itself into the form of a ghost that moaned very loud. "Oh my gosh." cried Voldemort. "Harry's flaming ghost has come to destroy me!"

* * *

Harry stood up and began running towards his attacker. "I need water!"

* * *

Voldemort heard the ghost saying something. "I need your-"

"Oh my gosh! It wants my sole!"

Voldemort ran out of the room crying.

* * *

After a while, Harry was able to get his cloak off and put out the fire. Luckily his cloak wasn't damaged. Harry suddenly heard more footsteps approaching. It was Dumbledore.

"Hello Harry. Are you going to burn down Hagrid's cabin too?"


	21. Autographs and Dragon Pox

Chapter Twenty-One

Autographs and Dragon Pox

As the cold winter gave way to spring, every student was looking forwards to a nice trip to Hogsmeade. Every student that is, except for Voldemort.

"Why can't I go?" asked Voldemort.

"Because," said Professor McGonagall. "you need a permission slip signed by ether your parents, or your legal guardian."

"Okay, first of all, my parents are dead and I'm pretty sure that the people at the orphanage are dead too."

"Then I guess, you can't go."

"But-"

"No!"

"You didn't even hear what I was going to say."

"Well I'm quite sure that it was a useless argument."

Voldemort yelled and ran off.

"What's wrong?" asked Nagini. "I haven't seen your face so red since the Death Eater chili cook off."

"Oh Nagini, if only I was a normal student."

"You're a dark wizard, pretending to be a student. I don't think that the word 'normal' is in your vocabulary."

"I just _said _it." said Voldemort dully.

"Look at the bright side, Harry won't be going either, he's sick with the flu."

"Eww! You want me to hang out with _him_?"

"No! I want you to kill him!"

"Oh yeah. He will be defenseless!" said Voldemort as he stood up.

* * *

Harry was lying in his four-poster. He hated having the flu. He had begged Madam Pomfrey to give him something that would cure him, but no, she said that it would be better just to "wait it out."

Harry heard the dormitory room door open. "Who's there?" Footsteps began approaching Harry's bed. "I'm warning you!"

The person stopped at Harry's bed and pulled the curtains aside.

"Hey Harry!" said Hermione. "They're having a book signing at Hogsmeade, so I wanted to know if you wanted your copy of _History of Magic_ signed?"

"Huh? Yeah, sure." said Harry.

Hermione reached into Harry's bag and pulled a book. "Oh, and Harry?"

"Yes?"

"I saw that Martin kid, hanging out around the Gryffindor entrance. I'm a little suspicious about him, especially after your map went missing."

"Right, what ever."

Hermione left.

* * *

Voldemort stood besides the portrait of the Fat Lady. That nasty Mudblood was still in there. Oh how they gave him the chills.

"The sooner she is out of the way, the better." said he to himself.

"Why don't you just go in there and kill them both?" asked Nagini.

"No. That would give me away."

"But the girl is already suspicious. Besides, killing Harry would give you away anyways."

Hermione ran out of the Gryffindor common room. She looked terrified about something.

"Martin! It's Harry! He-he- So much blood! I-I can't stop it!"

"What!?" asked Voldemort. "Harry is dying before I had a chance to kill him?"

"Quick!" said Hermione as she handed him a piece of parchment. "Give this to Madam Pomfrey and tell her it's an emergency!"

"Yes! Right away!"

Voldemort ran towards the hospital wing.

"You're going to save Harry?" asked Nagini.

"If he dies of natural causes, no one will believe that I killed him so they won't think that I'm the most powerful wizard."

Voldemort arrived at the hospital wing. "Madam Pomfrey! There's an emergency!"

Voldemort handed her the paper. Madam Pomfrey read it.

"According to this, you have the early stages of dragon pox!"

"What?! I don't have-"

"Most patients with it will try to deny it."

"I don't-"

"You will have to stay here until I can prove otherwise."

"But it was just a-"

"Don't get hostile now."

"Maybe I wouldn't be so hostile, if you listened to me for one moment!"

"_Stupefy!_"

"I... don't... have..." Voldemort fainted.

* * *

Voldemort woke up in a hospital bed, standing around him was Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Colin, and-

"PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!!

"I see that his voice is okay." said Ron.

"What happened to me?" asked Voldemort.

"It turns out that you didn't have dragon pox." said Harry.

"Oh that's encouraging!"

"By the time that Madam Pomfrey had figured it out though," began Dumbledore.

"-she had already removed half your organs." finished George.

"What does that have to do with-"

"Don't strain yourself," said Madam Pomfrey. "or your liver will flare up again."

Voldemort continued gaping. "I want to see my snake."

"You nearly die, and you would rather see your pet snake than all your friends?" asked Fred.

"I want my snake!" cried Voldemort.

"Fine!" said Ron in an offended voice.

Everyone cleared out and Nagini came in.

"I see that your encounter with Harry didn't turn out that well." said Nagini

"I didn't even _get _to Harry. I was stopped by that darn Mudblood!"

"Well then, she must be eliminated."

"Yes!" Voldemort in an evil tone. "Ha ha ha ha-"

Voldemort cried out in pain and garbed at his liver.

"I warned him." said Madam Pomfrey.


	22. How To Date Mudbloods

**AN: **This is perhaps my favorate chapter.

* * *

Chapter Twenty-Two

How To Date Mudbloods

After a week of recovery, Voldemort had finally come up with a more defined plan. First, he needed to get rid of that nasty Hermione Granger. With her alive, Harry would be nearly impossible to kill effectively. And if Voldemort was anything, it was effective. Just ask Nagini.

"So how will you do it?" the snake asked.

"I'll wait till she's in the library alone. Or better yet, till she's leaving the library alone. Then she'll have one last time with her precious books!"

"I thought you hated happiness?"

"Oh right! Better kill her _before _she gets to the library."

Voldemort made to stand up, but was once again surrounded by the members of the Harry Potter Fan Club (including Dumbledore).

"So you'll be at today's meeting?" George asked.

"It's going to be great!" said Fred excitedly.

"I thought you kicked me out," said Voldemort.

George waved it off. "So you played one little joke. Does it look like we're offended?"

"I'm still a little offended," mumbled Dumbledore.

"Anyways!" piped up Collin. "It's bring a friend day! But it has to be human, so your snake doesn't count."

"And what if I wanted to bring an Elf?! They're not human," said Voldemort in an offended manner.

"Umm, well-"

"That's just racist! I suppose we can't invite centaurs either!"

Fred and George began sweating nervously. "Well- we didn't-"

"You can bring whoever you want," Dennis suddenly said.

Voldemort smiled. "Good! I already have someone in mind."

"Who?" asked Fred.

"Hermione Granger!"

"Ooh." said Fred and George together.

"Oh shut up!" cried Voldemort. "I'm just inviting her because no one else in their right mind would bring _her_ to an event. Plus, I don't have any friends."

"Well, what about us?" asked Colin.

"You are already in the club."

"Well, we'll leave you alone so that you can... _invite_ Hermione to the meeting." said Fred.

"Gee, thanks." said Voldemort sarcastically.

Voldemort cautiously approached the library.

"Okay, how am I going to say it? Ahem. Hermione I would like to invite you to the Harry Potter fan club tonight."

"That sounds stupid." said Nagini.

"How about this? Hello Hermione, you know a couple of friends are getting together tonight, and I wondered if you would come with me?"

"Lame!" said Nagini.

"Alright! What would you say?"

"You need to dazzle her, compliment her."

"Okay. Hello Hermione, my goodness you have beautiful..."

"Well?"

"Umm. Robes. Yes, you have very nice robes."

"Who are you talking to?" said Hermione.

"Ahh! I mean... will you marry me?"

"What?"

"I didn't mean that! I meant... um... there's this thingy."

"A thingy?"

"Yes, a thingy. A Harry thingy.

"A hairy thingy?"

"No! A Harry Potter thingy."

"You mean the Harry Potter fan club?"

"Yes! It's bring a friend night... and... I... wanted... you... um..."

"Yes?"

"...to... uh... er... come with m-m-m-m-"

"Spit it out!"

"m-m-m-m-Mudblood!"

"Excuse me?"

"NO!!! Hermione... willyoucomewithmetonight?"

"What?"

"Will you come with me tonight?"

"Oh! ... No."

"Why not?!"

"I need to help Ron with his homework."

"WHAT?! That half witted muggle hugger? What does he have that I don't?"

"Homework."

"What if I get Snape to do his homework?"

"I don't think that you'll-"

"Don't worry, Snape is a kiss up to me."

"Hmm... Fine."

"YES!!!"

Voldemort skipped off.

Ron ran up to Hermione. "Guess what? It's bring a friend day at the Harry Potter fan club. Will you go with me?"

"Sorry, Martin has already asked me."

"What?! That half witted snake hugger? What does he have that I don't?"

"First off, you need to do your homework."

"I can't do it without you."

"Don't worry, Martin arranged Snape to help you with it."

"Oh yeah. Snape is a real kiss up to him."

"Welcome everyone to the Harry Potter fan club. As you should know, tonight is bring a friend night, so you should all have brought a friend." said Colin. "Our first order of business is learning new information about Harry. As usual, the Weasley twins will report this."

"Thanks Colin." said Fred.

"The first new thing that we've discovered over the last week, trifle tarts are Harry's new favorite desert." said George.

Everyone wrote this down on their notebooks.

"The next thing that we have discovered is that Harry is back together with Cho Chang."

All the girls in the audience sighed.

"This is lame." said Hermione.

"You took the words right out of my mouth." said Voldemort. "Do you want to help me crash this party?"

"No. Let them have their little fan club."

"I disagree." said Voldemort.

He shot a flame curse at the podium that Colin was standing in front of. It burst into flames.

"That's not how you do it." said Hermione, as she pointed her wand at the desert table, which exploded, flinging cake and pudding everywhere.

"That's pretty good. For a beginner."

Voldemort pointed his wand at the flaming podium and flung it at the screaming audience. At that moment, Ron and Snape entered the room.

"Wow!" said Ron as he grabbed a bowl of popcorn. "I knew that this party was going to be good."

"No doubt Martin's work." said Snape. "He always had a thing for ruining events."

"What?" asked Ron.

"Nothing."

"Hello Severus!" said Dumbledore in a jolly voice.

"Headmaster." said Snape respectfully.

"I didn't think _you _would come."

"Nether did I, but Mr. Weasley insisted that he would be able to focus better in the room of requirement."

"Have some cake!" said Dumbledore as he pulled a large glob of it off his robes, and proceeded to eat it.

An hour later, the party had finally died down, and Voldemort took Hermione back to the entrance to the Gryffindor common room.

"I had a very good time." said Hermione. "It was much better than helping Ron with his homework."

"I had a good time too." said Voldemort. "We should do it again some time."

"Oh yes. Crashing parties is always more fun when you do it with a friend."

Voldemort slowly reached for his wand, but Ron suddenly came around the corner with Snape.

"Hey!" cried Ron. "Look out Hermione, he's going to curse you!"

Hermione garbed Voldemort's wand arm and pulled it out to see that he was holding a wand.

"What is this?" asked Hermione.

"It-it's not what it looks like."

"What is it then?"

"Well I wasn't going to curse you if that's what you thought."

"He's a liar!" shouted Ron.

"And a very good one too." said Snape.

"Oh shut up Snape!"

"Yes master."

"Why did he call you master?" asked Hermione who was now crying.

"Be-be-because... he lost a bet."

"I think you were trying to kill me!" shouted Hermione.

"Please, I never-"

"Just go." said Hermione as she went through the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Not a good first date." said Ron. "It was better than mine though. She threw a dictionary at me."


	23. You'll Have to Beg

Chapter Twenty-Three

You'll Have To Beg

Voldemort was sitting in the Slytherin common room, leaning back in one of the chairs gloomily.

"How did it all go wrong?" he asked no one in particular.

"Oh cheer up, Voldi," said Nagini. "Torturing Malfoy ought to cheer you up."

Voldemort glanced up briefly, and sent a flame spell at him. Malfoy took off screaming into the nearby bathroom, dunking himself in the toilet. Several Slytherins laughed dumbly.

Voldemort sighed. "It didn't make me feel better..."

"Well you know there's only one thing you can do," the snake said.

"Give her flowers?"

"No you idiot! Kill her! Like we've planned!"

"I'll make it twenty roses," Voldemort said not paying attention. He immediately jumped up and headed out into the corridor. Fred and George were waiting.

"Excellent!" said Fred.

"How did you hear what I said?" asked Voldemort.

"Extendable ears." said George. "Only six stickles each."

"Now," said Fred. "girls are like dragons."

"Yes!" said George. "And when you get them angry, they bite your head off."

"Definitely!" said Fred. "And as Hagrid says, 'the trick with any beast, is to know how to calm em!'"

"Nicely quoted!" said George. "Now there are very few things that can quench the natural fire of an angry woman."

"But," said Fred. "fortunately for you,"

"We happen to have a few of them." finished George.

Once again, Voldemort had not survived an attack from Fred and George. Not five minutes later, his arms were weighed down with flowers, chocolates, and enchanted cards that sing sad songs when you open them.

"Okay, now you are just being stupid." said Nagini as Voldemort returned.

"I can't live with this on my conscience." said Voldemort as he placed all his purchased merchandise on the bed.

"This is coming form the same person who kills men, women and children without a second thought. I thought that you were incapable of love."

"Please, I don't _love_ her, I'm just fascinated by everything about her, and I want her _happy_ when I kill her. Besides, it's not like _you _haven't loved before."

"What do you mean?"

"We had gone to the Amazon, we were killing muggles, and you happened upon a python..."

"YOU PROMISED TO NEVER MENTION THAT!!!" shouted Nagini.

"I REST MY CASE!!" shouted Voldemort.

* * *

Voldemort slowly approached the portrait of the Fat Lady

"Password, oh its _you._" said the Fat Lady

"What's that's supposed to mean?" asked Voldemort.

"Are those for me?" asked the Fat Lady who was pointing at the chocolates, flowers, and cards.

"Has anyone _ever_ given you anything?"

"Well, no."

Goblin's gold."

"What?"

"The password, Goblin's gold. Am I right?"

"Yes."

"Well, aren't you going to let me in?"

"No."

"Well why not?!"

"Because you're mean!"

"Why I ought to-"

"Martin!" said Colin as he opened the portal. "Come in I'll make us some tea!"

Voldemort sneered smugly at the Fat Lady as he followed Colin in. "Note to self, _never _sneer again."

Colin pulled up a chair besides an unoccupied table. Voldemort joined him.

Colin noticed the large pile of flowers, chocolates and cards. "I see that you're trying to patch things up with Hermione."

"How did _you _find out about it?"

"Well, when I got back from the fan club meeting...

_Flashback_

Colin walked through the portrait of the fat lady and sat down in a chair besides the fireplace. Snape was sitting at a table helping Ron with his homework. Hermione was sitting in a corner reading a book. Harry came to Hermione.

"Hey Hermione, have you found my map yet?" asked Harry.

"If that map is so important to you why don't _you_ go look for it? Or are you too stupid to do that?" snapped Hermione.

"You seem more crabby than usual." said Harry.

"I _do_, do I?"

"Yeah, and when Neville asked you if you had seen his toad, you practically cursed him into oblivion."

"Well it's that darn Martin! I mean, we are having a good time and suddenly he tries to curse me! What kind of romantic gesture is that?!"

"It reminds me of the first time I went out with Cho." said Harry.

"That's different, you both _loved _each other. He loves me about as much as he loves his snake."

"I wouldn't say that." said Harry. "He loves his snake _lots _more."

_Returning from flashback_

"...and then, she started destroying the Gryffindor common room." finished Colin. "It took three stunning spells and a blackberry pie to finally calm her down."

Voldemort was laughing. "Ha ha ha. _Neville_."

At that moment, Hermione walked by. "How did _you _get in here?"

"Why Colin and I are just sharing a butterbeer."

"This is tea." said Colin.

"Oh, I hate tea." said Voldemort. "It's too British."

Hermione sighed. "I think that tea is too British too."

"Hermione." began Voldemort. "The real reason that I'm here, is to apologize. Look, I bought all this dung from Fred and George to show you sorry I am."

"For what? Trying to kill me?"

"Hold still." said Colin who had has camera out.

"No." said Voldemort. "I wasn't trying to kill you-"

"Then what were you doing?! The truth this time."

"The truth? The truth is, that... I saw Snape's shadow being cast on the wall behind you, and-and I mistook it for a monster." said Voldemort.

"Is that all?"

"I'm no more a liar than I am Voldemort."

"Oh Martin, I knew that it couldn't be your fault."

"Then who's fault was it?" asked Colin.

"_Ron!_" Hermione said.

At that moment, Ron entered the room. Two seconds later a tickling jinx was sent at him. Ron dodged it by inches.

"What did I do?" cried Ron as Hermione sent another one at him.

"At least everything is back to normal now." said Voldemort.


	24. All's fair in Love and War

**AN: **I was going to wait until tomarow to post this but I couldn't bear it.

* * *

Chapter Twenty-Four

All's fair in Love and War

Voldemort entered the Slytherin's common room. He was exhausted.

"I did it!" cried Nagini excitedly. "I finally was able to eat Malfoy's owl! It was hard, feathers flew everywhere! But in the end, I was victorious!"

"Not now." said Voldemort as he fell face first onto his four-poster bed.

"Another long day with Hermione?"

Voldemort looked at Nagini. "YES!! She insisted on water skiing on the Great Lake. I didn't get close to Harry once! I need to get out of this relationship."

"How are you going to do it?"

"I think that I'll just tell her that I no longer am interested in continuing this relationship."

"What are you an idiot?" asked Nagini. "She will instantly think that it's her fault."

"It _is _her fault!"

"But that would send her into a depression and she would kill you."

"Not if I kill her first!" Voldemort suddenly sat up. "That's it!"

"That's what I've been telling you from the start!"

"I'll have to kill Harry first since he will try to protect her."

"Um... Voldi, I think that you are mixing up your priorities."

"Shut up snake, I'm thinking. Now I'll have to plan this one extra well, so that he doesn't suspect a thing."

"None of your attempts have alerted him so far."

"Hmm. It might be easier just to have Snape give Hermione the drought of living death. Then I just have to walk up and kill her in her sleep. With her out of the way, I can focus on killing Harry. Then, with both of them out of the way, I'll kill that awful Weasley boy. Aren't I a genius?!"

"Umm, sure."

Snape was cleaning up from potions class. A first year had made his cauldron explode.

"Hem, hem." said Voldemort imitating Umbrage.

Snape yelped, but calmed down when he say who it was. "Oh it's just you."

Voldemort laughed. "Now Snape, who could you possibly have thought it was?"

"Umm, what is it that you require of me?"

"I need you to make a drought of living death."

Snape reached into his robes and removed a corked flask. "I thought you might be asking for this."

"Ooh! What else do you have in there?"

"Oh just a few potions here and there. You never know...actually, you _don't _want to know."

Snape shuddered.

"Why are you shuddering?" asked Voldemort. "You are the one wearing all those potions."

Snape suddenly screamed and began throwing random potions from his robes. They smashed against walls exploding on impact. No sooner had five gone off, than Dumbledore came sliding through the door.

"Is he doing it again?" he asked. "He did this the last time I asked for a potion. Don't throw the Veritaserum! We might need that later!"

Snape stopped, set a flask containing a clear liquid on the table, and resumed freaking out.

Ron popped in, holding popcorn. "Is he doing it again? This is so entertaining!"

Voldemort slapped his forehead. "They are _so _predictable!"

* * *

It was dinnertime in the Great Hall, Snape had long since calmed down but was feeling a little down so he didn't show up. Voldemort strolled up to Hermione, holding a goblet of pumpkin juice.

"Hey Hermione," said Voldemort. "Will you drink this pumpkin juice?"

"Oh sure! Anything for you." she said.

Hermione drank the whole goblet in one gulp. She then fell face first into her kidney pie. Ron and Harry stared at Voldemort.

"That was great!" said Harry.

"Where can we get some more?" asked Ron.

"Just ask Snape for it. But be careful when you ask."

"Why?" asked Harry.

Voldemort laughed. "You don't want to know."

Somewhere in the castle, there was a loud scream and the floor started rumbling.

"Not again." said Dumbledore as he ran out of the room.

* * *

It was several more hours before anyone realized that something was wrong with Hermione. At first they just left her there in the Great Hall after dinner. It wasn't until breakfast that they suspected something was wrong, but it wasn't until lunch that they confirmed it.

"Hermione has been laying in that kidney for almost a day now." said Harry. "I think that something is wrong."

"What do you mean?" asked Ron. "She hasn't been this well since she started going out with Martin."

"Maybe we should call Madam Pomfrey." said Harry.

"Don't be silly Harry. Just ask Hermione if she's feeling well."

Hermione snored.

"See. Perfectly fine."

* * *

Outside the Great Hall, Voldemort and Nagini were laughing.

"I guess that we're officially 'broken up'. Now with her out of the picture, I can spend my days however I want!"

* * *

"You know," said Harry. "She wasn't really going out with him. I mean, sure they went to some lousy fan club-"

"It is _not _a lousy fan club!" said Colin.

Harry continued. "and as for the water skiing, she just needed someone to drive the boat."

"They went _out_side, they were still going _out_." said Ron angrily.

* * *

"Shall we just leave her there? Or shall we kill her?" asked Voldemort.

"I have a better idea!" said Nagini. "She likes to go skiing. Let's tie her to the back of the boat, and drag her around the lake!"

"Oh, you sure know how to make me laugh Nagi."

Voldemort walked into the Great Hall.

"-no Harry, I don't see the difference!" yelled Ron

"Come on Hermione." said Voldemort cheerfully. "Let's go water skiing."

"No." said Ron as he stood up. "She's going with _me_ because she likes me better." Ron lifted her up. "Isn't that right honey?" He briefly leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. "Eww, kidney pie!"


	25. So There is no Cure?

Chapter Twenty-Five

So There is no Cure?

"Have you tried to wake her?" asked Madam Pomfrey.

"Of course!" said Ron. "We have tried everything! Yelling at her, slapping her, we even tied a rope to her and dragged her around the Great Lake!"

Harry looked at Madam Pomfrey "Can you help her?"

"I'm afraid not. She has been administered the drought of living death."

"Is there a cure?"

"It's the drought of living _death_!"

"What's your point?"

"Living DEATH! You know, the thing that happens to people when their bodies stop working."

"So there isn't a cure?" asked Ron.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Even if the only cure would require one of us to donate our spleens?"

"For the last time! There is no cure! Viewing time is over."

"But we just got here!"

"GET OUT!"

Harry and Ron ran for the exit.

* * *

Voldemort sat in transfiguration class. He was talking to Nagini.

"I still don't know how I'm going to kill Harry." said Voldemort.

"Why don't you corner him in a dark room and then when he is totally helpless, show him that you're Voldemort. It will make him scream like a girl."

"Ha ha ha. That's how I want to remember him dying. But what if while I'm trying to kill him, some random object moves in my way?"

"Then try to kill him again! I don't care if you have to burn down the whole castle, _just do it_!" said Nagini.

"Mr. Riddlen," said Professor McGonagall. "why don't you be so kind as to show us how to turn a chicken egg into a fork."

"Shut up you old hag!"

"Why I have never- Fifty points from Slytherin!"

"Please! Is that all you can do to me?"

"Detention!"

"Yawn!"

"With Dumbledore."

Voldemort gasped. "Please, don't put me in detention with Dumbledore! He's the only wizard that I've ever feared!"

"Really? What about the He-who-must-not-be-named?"

"What him? He's a push over!"

"What about the Minister of Magic?"

Voldemort's voice became very deep. "_Fudge is my puppet!_"

* * *

"Who might have done this?" asked Harry.

"Well, when did she start acting weird?" asked Ron.

"Last night at dinner."

"Yes, it was sometime after she had eaten a bowl of pudding."

"Who passed her the pudding?"

"George."

"_George!_" cried Harry.

At that moment Fred and George came around the corner. "Did someone call me?" asked George.

Ron ran at George and tackled him.

"Oi! What are you doing that for?" said Fred as he pulled Ron off of George.

"You, little, evil, friend poisoning, money scheming,-" Ron said as he tried to get free of Fred.

"Someone gave Hermione the draught of living death. You wouldn't happen to know anything about this?" asked Harry.

Fred and George looked at each other.

"Martin." said George.

"Martin?" asked Ron.

"Yes, Martin." said Fred. "Ever since he got back together with Hermione, he's been trying to kill her."

"But why?" asked Harry.

"That's easy." said Ron. "Because, she's a genius, and she thinks that everyone else is an idiot. Oh and she can be very cruel."

"I never imagined that Martin could be so violent." said Harry.

Fred and George chuckled. "You should duel him as revenge." said Fred.

"Duel _him_? He's a first year, what could he know?"

Fred and George broke out into laughter.

* * *

Voldemort set his school bag down and knocked on Dumbledore's door.

"Come in Martin." said Dumbledore.

"What is it that you want me to do?" asked Voldemort.

"Lines."

"Lines?!"

"Yes. You must write _I will not yell at teachers or poison students or kill students or crash parties or send valentines under other people's names or be a dark wizard_ one thousand times. I will watch you and laugh at you from time to time."

"That's torture!" cried Voldemort.

"There are two Ls,"

"What?"

"-in the word 'yell'. Some students only put one L"

Voldemort groaned and started writing.

* * *

Harry and Ron walked to the stone gargoyle that stood in front of the entrance to Dumbledore's office.

"Are you sure we should tell Dumbledore?" asked Ron.

"I think that he might want to know if one of his students is poisoning other people." replied Harry.

"Well make it quick!"

Harry turned to the stone gargoyle. "Nosebleed Nougat."

The stone gargoyle moved aside. Harry walked up the staircase. Just as Harry reached up to knock on the door to Dumbledore's office, he noticed a school bag sitting on the ground, and sticking out of the top was-

"The Marauder's map!" cried Harry as he reached for it.

Just as Harry touched the map though, Nagini shot her head out and tried to bite Harry's hand. Harry reacted quickly. He grabbed a book, and bashed Nagini on the head with it. She sort of looked around dazed for a second, then sank back into to the bag. Harry ran down to Ron to show him the map.

"Look what I found in Martin's bag!" said Harry proudly.

"The Marauders map!" said Ron. "Who put it in Martin's bag?"

"No idea." said Harry as he unfolded it. "Look. There we are, there's Dumbledore, and standing near him is-"

"Harry!" said Colin. "I found these scissors, and I need you to look at the wall for a second."

"How dumb do you think Harry _is_?" asked Ron. "Your plan to get hair clippings will fail!"

"I can't see anything." said Harry, who was looking at the wall.


	26. The Duel

**AN: **Here it is, the story climax!

* * *

Chapter Twenty-Six

The Duel

Voldemort exited Dumbledore's office. His fingers were raw from all the lines that he had to write. "Oh well." said He. "At least I'll be able to complain about it to Nagini."

He opened his school bag. Nagini poked her head out.

"I'm sorry sir, but we're out of chicken bits, might I recommend a burger instead?"

"What's wrong with you." said Voldemort as he noticed a large purple welt in the top of Nagini's head.

"Why yes, I am a natural blond."

"Snap out of it!" cried Voldemort.

Nagini came to her senses. "Potter did this!"

"POTTER!! I'll kill him for this!"

"Good idea."

"Did you say kill?" asked Fred as he and George came up to Voldemort.

"Because we have many great things that will help you!" said George.

"NO!" cried Voldemort. "I will not be a victim to you two any more!"

"Victim?" asked Fred.

"Is that what you think of yourself? That you're a victim to our fine salesmanship? _Voldemort_!"

"How did you know that it was me?"

"We figured it out on the first day."

"Please don't tell Harry! It would ruin my plan."

"Oh no." said Fred in a sinister voice. "We wont tell him anything."

"That is," said George. "If you pay us."

"What?!" cried Voldemort.

"That's right." said Fred.

"We want twenty galleons." said George.

"This is _blackmail_!" said Voldemort furiously.

"A salesman's secret weapon." said Fred.

* * *

"So are you going to go through with it?" asked Ron.

"I have to avenge Hermione." said Harry. "I'm sure that she would have wanted me to do it."

"Good luck." said Dennis.

"Um guys, I'm not going to fight him for another five hours."

"Oh yeah." said Ron.

* * *

"I would like to call an emergency meeting of the Harry Potter fan club." said Colin. "At six O clock tonight, Harry will be facing Martin. I would like some suggestions from the audience on how to protect Harry. Yes you?"

"We should make a giant shield charm around Harry." said Neville.

"Good thinking Neville." said Colin. "But then he wouldn't be able to _send_ spells either. Yes you in the back."

"What if one of us drinks a polyjuice potion, and pretends to be Harry, while the real Harry is tied up in a broom cupboard."

"Good suggestion Dumbledore, but I think Harry would eat us alive afterwards."

"I have an idea." said Dennis. "Why don't we just show them that fighting is not the answer, and that only through the bonds of friendship can a society stand!"

"Good, Dennis." said Fred.

"But a bit _too _good." said George.

"Come on guys," said Colin. "we need to _think_! We only have- Oh my gosh! It's already five thirty!"

"Time sure flies when you're having fun!" said Dumbledore.

* * *

Harry and Voldemort both entered opposite ends of the Great Hall.

"Okay!" said George.

"This is how it's going to go down." said Fred.

"You will each bow to each other, then... play dirty!"

"You will begin when we say go." said Fred.

"GO!"

Voldemort sent two body binding spells at Harry, who deflected them.

"You fight well." said Harry.

"You fight better." said Voldemort.

"Go Voldemort, er, I mean, Martin!" said Nagini.

Harry shot a disarming charm at Voldemort but he dodged it Matrix style. Voldemort shot a killing curse at Harry, which missed.

"Hey!" yelled Harry. "Killing curses are illegal!"

"No they're not." said Fred and George together.

"_Incarcarous_!" Shouted Harry as ropes shot out of his wand and tied up Voldemort.

"Good job Harry." said Dumbledore. "Now finish him of!"

"NO!" cried Fred and George together. "We can't afford to have him die!"

"What do you mean?" asked Harry.

"I'll tell you later." said Dumbledore. "Now _kill_ him!"

It was too late though. Nagini had bitten Voldemort's ropes off.

"_Avada Kedavra_!" shouted Voldemort.

"_Expelliarmus_!" shouted Harry.

"ENOUGH!!!" Cried Professor McGonagall as she waved her wand and caused both spells to freeze in mid air. "THERE WILL BE NO DUELS IN THIS SCHOOL!!!"

"It's a little late for that." said George.

"And it was just getting good!" said Ron who was holding a bowl of popcorn.

"I've had enough this myself." said Voldemort. "_Avada Kedavra_!"

A green blob of magic (yes, magic is blobby) flew strait at Harry. At the last second though, Colin, Dennis, Neville, Dumbledore, and all the rest of the Harry Potter fan club, excluding the Weasley twins, all stood in front of Harry and formed a giant shield charm that stopped the curse.

"You will not kill Harry Potter, Voldemort." said Colin.

"Cheaters! Cheaters!" cried Fred and George. "Let them kill each other!"

"_Expelliarmus_!" cried the entire fan club at once.

All the spells hit Voldemort at the same time, causing him to fly backwards so fast, that he crashed through the wall.

"Harry! You're okay!" cried Hermione as she ran into the room.

"_You're _okay!" said Harry.

"Oh yeah, Snape only gave Voldemort a minor sleeping potion."

"Wait, _Voldemort_ is here?!" gasped Harry.

* * *

**AN: **Only one chapter left!


	27. The Long Boring Explanation

**AN: **Well, here you go. The last chapter. I would like to thank everyone that helped me write this, and everyone who has read along. I expect a whole bunch of reviews now.

* * *

Chapter Twenty-Seven

The Long Boring Explanation

Harry, Ron and Hermione sat down in Dumbledore's office.

"Would you care to explain what's going on?" asked Harry.

"Yes." said Dumbledore. "You deserve to know the truth... It was all Fred and George's idea!"

"What?" asked Ron.

"No it wasn't!" said Fred and George.

"You were the ones who proposed the bet!" said Dumbledore.

"What bet?!" asked Hermione.

"Now look what you've done." said George. "You could have come up with a rosy lie to make Harry feel better, just like you did in his fifth year, but no! You had to tell the _truth_!"

"The truth about what?!" asked Harry.

"Fred George and I," began Dumbledore. "each bet one hundred galleons that if Voldemort came to Hogwarts he wouldn't be able to kill you."

"Correction!" said Fred. "George and I bet that he _would _be able to kill Harry."

"Yes." continued Dumbledore. "If Voldemort had killed you, I would have to pay Fred and George one hundred galleons, but if you lived, _they _would have to pay _me_."

"You made a bet on Harry's life?!" gasped Hermione.

"Yes. I then sent Voldemort a letter inviting him to Hogwarts. I knew that he would accept. He's _so _predictable."

"Bu-bu-but you can't _do _that!" said Ron. "There must be a law against inviting dark wizards into a school."

"It doesn't matter." said Dumbledore. "Because now the school year is over, Harry is still alive, and I'm one hundred galleons richer! You're not mad at me are you?"

"And needless to say," finished Colin, who was on the Hogwarts Express talking to Voldemort. "that poor Dumbledore will be spending the rest of the summer repairing his office."

"Go away!" groaned Voldemort. "Why am I even talking to you?

"Fine, I get it." said Colin as he left.

Dumbledore's story had been repeated so many times, that everyone knew about the bet, including Voldemort.

"Why are we even riding on this train?" asked Nagini. "I mean, now that everyone knows who we are, why can't we just apparate?"

"Shut up snake."

Voldemort's compartment door was still open as several third years walked by and laughed at him. "Oh look, it's the Dark _Lard_!"

Voldemort killed those students, "and it made him feel good. Because he knew that somewhere, some day he would kill Harry Potter, and when he did he would RULE! Yeah, rule! Ha ha ha ha-"

"Voldi!" said Nagini. "You're thinking out loud again!"

"Note to self, stop thinking out loud... and kill Harry!"

**The End**


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